A Fork in the Road

Ahhhh . . . that's me, heaving a huge sigh of

relief
exhaustion
disbelief
confusion
exasperation
disappointment
contentment?

All of the above.

Relief. Relief that my 4th bodybuilding competition is over. That this morning, I ate not 1, not 2, but 3 whole wheat blueberry pancakes with warm blackberry compote and real butter, and felt not an ounce of guilt. Though I did relish a feeling of utter gluttony. Relief that my heels are on the ground instead of 5 inches above it, my right pinky toe a pink tender blister. Relief that for today at least, I am not counting calories, measuring food, and timing my meals. Relief that I get a day off from the gym (though the hubby is reminding me it's a 10-miler on the running schedule today . . .).

Exhaustion. I have been running on such little fuel the past 2 weeks and pushing my body to keep up with its normal hard routine and entertaining kids on spring break, exhausted is the only word I can use, despite the fact that I despise it. Exhaustion is for people who aren't smart like me; no, exhaustion is for people who have poor nutrition habits, poor exercise habits, poor time management, poor stress response. And yet, I must wave the white flag and confess, I've hit it. I did it knowingly, in the hopes that my calorie deficit would translate into that rapid fat loss I so needed; that by staying busy with the kids, I would stay out of the kitchen and provide a decent spring break for my chiclets while keeping my mind off my upcoming comp. I accomplished the latter goals. The rapid fat loss, not so much . . .

NGA Utah 2012, Masters Bikini

Disbelief. Disbelief that I STILL did not place in a competition, despite having the chance to compete against women my age (the 35+) & being in a small category for my Novice Bikini (I had a 3 in 5 chance). Of course, looking back at photo and video, I can see that my posing still needs a lot of work (it's much harder than you would think and extremely unnatural & the stuff I thought was cheesy aka pivot turns is apparently what the judges like). Disbelief that after 12 weeks of hard training and diet, it's over. Just like that. Disbelief that my body stopped responding at week 11 & week 12 I started gaining, despite tightening up my diet and workouts. To look at the photos, you would think all I ate during week 12 was donuts. But I attest to you my diet was so tight, I almost crashed during a regular ol' Zumba class. I missed my period. I emitted an odor that is known to occur during ketosis (or extreme fat burning mode). Perhaps I went too extreme & my body found ways to magically produce fat from every calorie of carbs I so carefully counted and inserted into my body in a timely manner. Perhaps I just needed a couple more weeks. Or I needed the comp a week earlier, when I was at my lowest body fat of the past 12 weeks. Disbelief that THAT girl (aka Boobs) beat me, beat most of us. Disbelief that there was not a single female judge on the panel.

NGA Utah 2012 Novice Bikini, front

NGA Utah 2012 Novice Bikini, back

Confusion. After the trophies were handed out last night for the Novice Bikini division (and I already knew I wouldn't place in Masters, as I'm not a delusional idiot), I sat alone in the dressing room to decompress. I felt deflated, demoralized, and depressed. Was I stupid for continuing to pursue this goal when clearly I do not have the body for it? Was it time to just give up? Clearly, I'm fit, active, healthy & have many other things going for me. I don't necessarily need to do this. Most people don't. It wouldn't be such a failure to admit defeat. It was fun. For the most part. Though losing always sucks, I don't care what anyone says about "effort" "the journey" blah blah blah-- losing sucks sucks sucks sucks s u c k s. As I contemplated my surrender, a figure girl walked in. A spunky Latina, she epitomizes the spirit of competing-- she's strong, sweet, friendly, truthful, and always cheers for every competitor. She gave me this rousing lecture about not quitting, while I half-listened and took it in and half-rejected her with fake nods. Others told me I'm more suited to figure with my tendency toward muscle-massiveness. I just need to lean out more. But that's the problem-- I can never seem to lean out enough. I truly feel like if I cut any more calories I would have to quit working out because I would have zero energy. And my body likes fat. This is me at my leanest. I'm not sure how to get leaner. So herein lies the confusion. I face a decision: a.) quit competing altogether. I've tried. Failed. Been there, done that. It's okay to give up, pursue other goals. b.) switch categories. Looking around last night, there were figure girls who I out-massed easily. Obviously, they weren't the ones placing, but it shows that there's a range of bodies in the figure & I could possibly stand my own. I'd have to learn the posing; rent a suit; get a trainer to help me analyze me diet and tweak it. It could be a way for me to finally succeed. Or it could be a new way for me to fail. c.) try harder and go again in bikini. It's the body I desire. It's so lean and pretty. But it may mean give up running for awhile, because I think running is what gives me such massive legs. I don't want to give up running. It's my peace. It's my time with my husband. It's more communal-- there are way more running idiots than bodybuilding idiots & I like the social aspects.

Exasperation. See all the above. Need I say more?

Disappointment. This probably goes along with disbelief and exasperation. What made it all more disappointing is knowing that my sweet hubby and kids had sacrificed their entire day driving to and from Bountiful (a 45-minute drive in the rain) TWICE, sitting through all the other categories of judging before it was my turn. Of course, they got to eat out 3 meals yesterday and get treats from the vending machine, so it didn't turn out too badly for them. But they were so supportive. My hubby truly was supportive, because he doesn't get it; he doesn't even like it. But he supports me anyway because for some reason it's important to me. That's love. My mom & siblings were so supportive and came out to watch the show. They've always supported me, and just like my hubby, don't get it & hate to see me putting myself out there to be judged and shot down. So it's a huge disappointment that yet again, they came out & I did NOT place. But I can say, it is not a disappointment how much my family loves me. At least I have people in my life who never disappoint me! (A special shout-out, too, to my Biggest Loser client who drove out to watch me in the morning show! So thoughtful!)

me after the show with my sis Jody and her fiance Taylor

the back of my sweatshirt-- at least I have a sense of humor ;)

Contentment? The purpose of the question mark is two-fold. First, it means, "Am I content?" Am I pleased with how last night went? No. Am I pleased with how my body responded to my hard work and dedication and sacrifice? No. Am I pleased with the judging? No Am I pleased with my posing? No. But . . .Am I pleased with my effort? Yes. I really think I worked as hard as I could. Am I pleased with the backstage experience? Yes. The group of girls competing was amazing-- super friendly, down-to-earth, sharing, fun, uplifting, good people. Am I glad I improved my physique? Yes. Am I pleased with the progress I did make? Yes. Do the pros and cons balance out? Well, 4-4, so that's a Yes. Therefore, I should feel content. It is what it is-- I say this quite often, but it's true and it generally applies to everything and brings me much peace and contentment in life overall.

Secondly, though, is the question, "Is it okay to be content?" And here is where I wax philosophical . . . To be content (in yoga, we call this "santosha") is to have all you want/need, wanting/needing nothing else. It's a great place to be. And yet, to be content is a stagnant state. In order to change, to grow, to achieve hard goals, you must choose to not be content. You must want something more, or you will always be just as you are.  How many of us choose contentment over possible discomfort, fear of the unknown, fear of failure and wind up never reaching our potential? And yet, if that potential is mysterious and never attained, is it ever anything to be missed in the first place? I suppose this is where the idea of balance comes into play-- one must seek a balance of both contentment and total discontentment. The trick is to discover which aspects of life you will choose to be content and which you will choose to always want more for yourself. This may be what truly defines us, what determines the course of our lives. For by choosing the wrong areas in which to be content or discontent, we may never truly find happiness.

Deep thoughts for such a silly decision I face, but alas, there they are. Apply them as you may. In any case, I do allow you readers to weigh in with your own opinions as to what course I should take. For now, I will enjoy a day of eating what I want (which seems to be fruit for the most part!) and then get back to my regimen merely because it is now what I know, it makes me feel good, and I still have physique goals, whether I'm being judged or not ;)