Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, You're the Most Honest After All

Yeah, yeah . . . sometimes I get cute with titles. But I have learned to really value the mirror as a tool to assess my physique progress, more so than the scale, the calipers, even the tape measure. Many a personal trainer might cringe to know I value mathematical feedback so very little but here's why . . .

When I did my first bikini competition, I was on stage at 119-120 lbs, body fat 13-14%. I looked amazing, even though on stage I suddenly felt huge. I did back-to-back comps in October 2010, and while I didn't place, I felt really good about my physique. Unfortunately, as many of you already know, I did not handle the post-comp weeks very well. I did what many a first-time (or second or third or, you get the point) competitor does after 12 weeks or more of hard training and extreme dieting-- BINGE. First came Halloween. Mind you, I had not yet cut sugars, and oh, did I have my way with them! Each week, I'd clean it up, work out hard, but then go a little crazy on the weekends. Then Thanksgiving came, and I ate a pie. Or two. Probably over a 24 hr period. It got ugly. Then guilt. Then tighten up the diet, work hard again. Then Christmas. And New Year's. And my birthday. And so on and so forth.

comp #2, Oct. 2010

chowing down a choc dipped key lime pie slice after FL Keys Ragnar, Jan. 2011. 10 lbs up!

I realized that without an impending comp, I had no real "threat"-- nothing to motivate me through fear (I've since realized fear is not the greatest path of successful fat loss, but back to the story). I registered for an April comp & got busy. I knew I could do this; I'd done it before. I studied everything I had learned from my trainer the first time, studied other sources and message boards, and melded it all together into my first attempt at devising my own meal plans and workout plans. I confess, I even tried fat burners (which were utterly ineffective & probably damaged my metabolism even more) just because it seemed like everyone else on the forums were utilizing some kind of ergogenic aid. But this time was not like the first time. The weight didn't come off as easily. I'd cut more calories, increase my protein, pop an extra fat burner but to no avail. Don't get me wrong-- I did lose weight; I did tone up. In fact I gained lean mass. But the number on the scale never got as low as before. And I was stuck on that number. 119 was my goal. 119, 119, 119.

I stood on the stage at 124. I felt enormous.

Compare: Oct 2010

April 2011

After that, I decided I needed to change my focus for awhile. I had gotten my hubby turned on to running, and we took to the streets, running multiple Ragnar relays, half marathons, and one full. I ran my first mountain 5K (trail, steep inclines) and placed 2nd for women. I was eating clean but not worried about my macros as much. I survived my first 30 days of no refined sugar challenge, took 2 weeks off, and decided I wanted to go again. And again. And again. Now I've committed to the 2 days a month for 2012 & so far so good. It would seem I had conquered my body image issues.

But that would be a LIE. Even while accomplishing these great things, I felt an uneasy anxiety about my appearance. It was made more frustrating by the fact that I had given up sugar! I didn't overeat. I worked out a ton. I felt fat loss was owed me. The scale disagreed. Now it was regularly reading 128, 129, 130 (the # I said I'd never see again), 131, 132, 133, 134. What the #@$% was happening to my body? (see previous posts about my visit to the women's clinic)

Now, reading about other competitors post-comp, I recognize metabolic damage disorder. Worse than the physical effects were the mental/emotional ones. As a trainer, I knew better. I decided to be my own therapist. Each day I'd take a photo of myself and caption it with something positive about my appearance. I looked cute in any hat. I had a great tan.I still had pretty great legs.

My self-therapy kind of worked. Over time, I realized the scale was just a number. It didn't represent my inner health & vitality. It didn't represent my lean mass I had accumulated. Cutting sugar really helped me mentally and emotionally, too. I was feeling clarity of mind. The anxiety began to disappear. I just felt more mentally and emotionally stable. By February, I was able to record my Fit Minute videos and not cringe at my appearance whatsoever. It wasn't my thinnest, but I looked healthy and felt great. Finally, I felt peace.

So I decided to try another competition. And to take a different attitude. I would start 12 weeks out but begin with a more moderate eating plan; then I incorporated low carb-high carb days, which worked wonders for me-- my high carb days weren't just free-for-alls but very clearly defined. I let myself enjoy oatcakes, an apple with peanut butter, even a slice of real bread. I was already off sugar (except for 2 a month), so even "cheats" weren't out-of-hand.Finally, the #s on the scale began to reverse the upward trend. I began February at 134 after spending January focused on adding muscle mass. I hated that # but I was okay with how I looked in the mirror, so I kept a healthy outlook. By March, I got back in the upper 120s. I would weigh myself every other day or so & record my weight just to get a rough idea. I occasionally took tape measurements & fat caliper readings, but each fat measurement method had such different readings that I dropped it altogether. The mirror (and the camera) would be my best measurement tool. 

Again, I know many trainers will cringe at my sloppy approach, but I knew myself well enough to know that the #s would get to me. I also knew that the #s didn't tell the whole story. I also knew that the #s could be skewed. And I knew that a bikini physique is more about the look than the #s-- everyone is so different. So this time around, I kept my sanity. When people asked about my body fat % (and yes, people do ask!), I'd invent a rough estimate.

I won't delve into my most recent comp a-gain. Let's just say, now that I've had a chance to analyze my results, I do think I cut calories too much that final week and needed more carbs-- my body utterly rebelled. I looked better the week before, and oddly, the week after. But oh well. I also should've used a diuretic, but I've always tried to stay away from those, figuring bikini didn't need such hard lines.

I feel like I've discussed my comps way more than I had originally intended. My main purpose of this post is to show the fallacy of placing so much importance on #s, especially the scale. Let's take a walk down memory lane . . . (ahem, yes, you will notice I took care of matters in the northern region . . . it had to be done.)

I'll show you pics of me at different times but at the same WEIGHT. First, at 120.

2006, weight 120

2010, weight 120

Notice how much chubbier I look in 2006, yet I still weighed 120. That's the difference muscle mass can make!

Now check out a 123 lbs . . .

2008, weight 123, toning up since 06

2011, weight 124. weight up, but looking even hotter

Here's 128ish lbs . . .

2006, weight 126

2012, weight 127.6

2002, weight 130

2012, weight 131

summer 2010, 126 lbs, pre-1st comp

2012, 126 lbs, comp 4

I hope these photos give you an idea of the difference between 120 and 120, 130 and 130, and so on. I'll take my current 127 over my 120 of 6 years ago. I look stronger, more defined, and healthier. I always have to remind my clients, as they lose fat but gain muscle mass, the # on the scale may not budge much sometimes. Look in the mirror! Look at those changes! Feel your clothing get looser! Feel your body getting stronger! Unless you're in serious denial, the mirror never lies ;)