The Day After . . .

(Sorry, video footage from Ry's iphone, not the greatest!)

Ah, slept in till 8 am. Woke up with sore abs, calves, & back-- just from pose-holding! Enjoyed my regular healthy breakfast, plus some yummy treats left on my doorstep by a supportive friend-- hey, they were made with cereal (and chocolate & marshmallows & butter), so they count as breakfast food, right? Plus, I'm still licking my wounds from the night show.

Here's how the night show went: it started out well. I felt great. Relaxed. My tan looked better, my shine looked shinier, my suit blingier. My strut and poses were more confident. Too bad the judging had been done in the morning, because I felt like a whole new girl in the evening. I knew 100% I didn't place in the large category, but I held on to an inkling of hope in my small category. There were 7 of us, and 5 got a trophy. Odds were not too shabby, & I thought I might just slip in at 5th. We were all lined up backstage, awaiting to strut out one more time, have  our bios read, receive our individual applause. Then the dude backstage would tell us which 5 to go out on stage again, and those 5 had placed.

"Numbers 1-5, 1-5, line up." I was #7. I thought he had to be confused. Surely the winners didn't perfectly match up with the first 5 girls. I must confess, I was NOT the picture of calmness and gracious losing. I wrapped my arm around #6. "Guess we're the losers." She smiled, "That's okay. It was fun!" She seemed so cheerful, so prepared for this outcome. It reminded me of the end of every Survivor episode when the voted out contestant gets to say a few words. As viewers, we always admire the ones who take it in stride, reflect on what they learned, cheer their tribe on. We roll our eyes at the ones who begin a diatribe sketched with choice swear words, in shock that they got voted off and angry at the world. I realized that I was the latter survivor! I went through the whole gammut of emotions, all 7 stages of grief.

First, shock & denial, hence my admonishing the backstage dude to double-check his list. How could this be? I had sacrificed millions of calories and fat grams for months! I had worked out 2-3 hours every day, 6 days a week for months! I had imbibed enough water to hydrate an African village for a month! Surely, this big dude with the goatee had read wrong. He gave me a look that said, sorry, sucker.

Second, pain & guilt. Pain, yes. Pain from those damn 4 inch heels that were too wide so my poor feet had to grip to stay inside with every step. Guilt for making my family live with my sugar-free, high maintenance diet for the past few months, for what? For watching me fail miserably on stage?

Third, anger. I could hardly stand there watching my newfound bikini friends win their awards. I stomped my 4-inch heels straight back to the dressing room, threw on my over-clothes, tossed those damned shoes into my gym bag, and stormed out into the hall, texting the hubby that I was ready to go. In an awkward attempt to cover up my tirade, I threw a few half-hearted "good luck"s to the figure competitors hanging around, having their suits glued to their bums. I went into the auditorium just to watch Trainer Jill do her bodybuilding routine. Of course she rocked it, and lucky for her, she was guaranteed 1st place.

Fourth, depression & loneliness. Yep. It's pretty lonely to be 1 of the only 2 who lost. It was utterly depressing to realize that I hadn't done enough or been enough. True sadness. I walked out into the hallway into my hubby's arms. His hug felt good, even if it didn't take away the sadness.

Fifth, the upward turn. The hubby told me he saw a friend from work there, who just liked to watch bodybuilding shows. His friend said I should've placed. My kids told me I should've placed. My hubby told me he was proud of me. This was the start of the upward turn, realizing that most mommies would never even try something like this. Realizing that I did accomplish something, and I had MY best body to prove it. And knowing that I got to go out to eat . . . that was indeed an integral part of the upward turn. It was already 7:30, late for our family, so we headed to the nearby Pei Wei. Partaking of edamame, lettuce wraps, egg rolls, and fortune cookies-- upward turn indeedy!

Sixth, working through. This came about through analyzing it with the hubby during dinner. "Was I really the worst one up there? Why did I lose? What could I have done better?" We realized that of the 7, #6 and myself were the only newbies. We'd never done this before, and our greenness must've been apparent. It wasn't about body fat percentage, because a few of the girls who won were much softer than I was. They were just studs at posing-- it's like they thought they were even hotter than they actually were, but it worked for them! Delusions of grandeur can pay off. And let's be honest. I was the only one up there with a stretch marked abdomen. No matter how I tried to hide it, they were there. And taut abdominal skin is integral to winning in the bikini category. Bodybuilders and figure can get away with a bit, because it's all about muscle. But not so in bikini. But the hubby assured me, I did look like I "belonged" up there.

And finally, acceptance and hope. I accepted that I lost. I accepted that the other girls had obviously met the judges approval better than I had. And I began to hope that I could do better with my next one, the NGA in Ogden this upcoming Saturday. My last chance. I'm hoping for less competition, since this one is not a national qualifier. And I know I'll be calmer and more confident, knowing what to expect. And I know how it feels to come in last, so it can't get worse-- only the same or better. And on the bright side, I'm sure I would've won Miss Congeniality if there was one offered-- I had all the girls backstage cracking up with my uncanny ability to keep it real :)

So now that I've gone through all the stages of grief, I'd like to apologize to sweet #6, who only saw my shock & anger. I know it wasn't pretty, but is it really admirable to be a good loser?

The greatest outcome from this endeavor has been the love & support of so many friends! I'm sure a lot of people just don't get it-- the bodybuilding competition scene, the traipsing on stage in a barely-there bikini, the clean eating & constant exercise-- and I know a lot of people are probably even offended by it. But I have been surprised and overwhelmed with the many people who HAVE been supportive, cheering me on, sending me kind messages of encouragement, and keeping me going! I had two friends who drove all the way to Salt Lake on their Saturday morning to watch me compete (thanks Emily B. & Nikki A.). I received many emails, texts, & calls of well wishes all weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being such amazing friends and just purely good-hearted people-- you are rare & beautiful :)